In Loving memory of Pa

Another piece brought over from my now defunct blog.

May 23 ’06

The time has come for you to rest,
In Peace, a place in Heavens.
The day you took your very last breath,
I won't forget what happened.
Neither will forget
All that you've ever taught,
I’ll keep your words close to my heart
For always they shall belong.
I will cherish the moments spent together
In the sweetest memories and most beautiful songs.

I never wished to let you go
But life's like that it seems
You left us for another world
Suddenly time it seemed to cease
But life goes on, the sun still shines
Everything carries on like yesterdays.
Even though you are no longer here
In my Heart, a special place you will always stay.

 
Losing someone you love is always a hard thing to bear. Words can only barely describe the pain and anguish of the fact that the someone you love has gone and is never going to come back. That you are never ever going to see that someone, touch, speak or even laugh with them again.

Sympathetic and kind words can never distinguish the raw pain of the loss.

I once read somewhere, that the ones we love are always taken away from us too soon and the ones that are not important, never goes away.

How true.

But for all that has happened, the main lesson I learned is to cherish the ones still around you and never to take them for granted. And the one important thing to remember is to appreciate with good knowing, the present moment we all have now.

Now.
Not yesterday.
Not tomorrow.
Not later.

If you feel like going to that somewhere, do go. Why wait till tomorrow? You might not have the chance.

If you feel like wearing that special perfume, spritz it. Why wait for a 'special' occasion? The present moment is special enough as it is.

If you feel like mending some broken bridges, pick up the phone and call the intended person to apologise. Either party might not have a tomorrow or another day.

If you feel like telling that special someone 'I love you's, tell it to that person straight away.

Don't wait for regrets to even happen, then regret not doing it. The present moment passes in the blink of an eye and is gone. Never will the moment happen again.

My Dad had this pair of shoes that he never could bear to wear. He stored it lovingly in the original shoebox, tucked away in his cupboard. He was probably waiting for an appropriate special ocassion to put it on. And the special ocassion that he next wore these shoes were for his funeral. With a heavy heart, we retrieved this special shoes for him to wear for his last walk.

And it is with heavy hearts that my Mom, sis and me carry as we go through his possessions, packing them, deciding what to throw and what to keep.

I wish with all my heart that my Dad was still here with us, talking to us, fingering his knick-knacks and eating his favourite foods. But we all know the harsh reality that he has left us and we are never going to see him again. In this lifetime, and with his absence, I take comfort in knowing that I tried my every best to make him comfortable and happy, and that I was as best and as filial a daughter I could be to him.

My Dad chose to be cremated after his death. So in respecting his wishes, we cremated him. After when we were to collect his ashes, I literally saw a life person reduced to only a small box of bones and ashes. And it really struck home. No matter how much riches a person had in his lifetime, he could never bring it with him after death. No matter how posh a home he once stayed in, he could never have it back. No matter how pretty a person was, or how many nice clothings they once had, everything will just be reduced to bones and ashes. Just that and nothing else. We are born with nothing, and we leave with nothing.

I will forever miss my Dad with all my heart and soul. The only consolation I have is of the memories I have of him. The teachings he imparted and the life skills he taught, I will never forget. Stored deep in my heart, mind and soul, these lifetime teachings imparted from Father to daughter will always be in me.

My Dad was a person of patience and generosity in his life. He was also ever willing to lend a helping hand, always volunteering to help with this or that. In contracting this illness, it made him see things in a different perspective. He never took things to heart and was always willing to let things go by. He valued harmony above all things. And although he was a man of little words, I know he loved us very much.

In his absence, I shall strive to emulate him in the many life attributes and perspectives that he viewed. And most importantly, I learn to remember to cherish the ones we still have around. Pa may be gone. But I still have Mommy. I will constantly remind myself that I still have her and to cherish her.

In all honesty, the last few months we had with Pa were very intense and difficult. Looking back, I have much difficulty in remembering those days when he was strong and healthy. All the memories I have of him are when he was skinny and sick. But even in his sickness, he always was a cheerful and cheeky man. Still willing to help in whatever way he could, taking life lightheartedly, never giving up and fighting the illness with all his strength till his very last breath.

In mourning of his loss, I tell myself that he no longer has to feel pain anymore. That he is now free in spirit, unbound from his weak body and burdens. The other memories I'm sure, will trickle back in bits slowly. In meantime and always, I shall remember him in the little ways and everyday habits he charmed our lives with.

Only the person living, has the power to change things. To finish uncompleted tasks. The person who has passed on will forever be gone. Leaving those behind with memories to help them cope with the loss and to move on, to carry on living life.

In loving memory of my Pa...
I will miss you always.

To all Fathers out there,
Do not think for One moment that You are second best in your Child’s Hearts.
For You will always be their Guiding Light in their moments of Darkness.
Just as Mine was to Me.

Life Before Death

Brought over from my now defunct blog.
It has been so long since I last wrote this, but I still tear whenever I read back.

Written sometime in 2006... a form of outlet for my emotions during the days I  struggled to go through.
 
This is about my painful experience when I lost my Dad to Leukaemia in May this year. During which, in those trying times, I was not aware to look out for any palliative care or support until his last days. All I could manage was to take each uncertain day one day at a time. At times, the day would pass by all too soon, while other days crawled slowly by. Everything I did was based on ‘survival’ instincts to somehow, forge forward and attempt to constantly remain afloat in the midst of hopelessness.

Life before death is a hard and downhill journey that all of us need to experience before reaching that final unknown destination. It is often filled with fear and uncertainty. But to be beside your loved ones, accompanying and watching them during their last lap of life before death is also not an easy passage to take. It is a painful process, filled with feelings of sorrow and despair.

My Dad fought valiantly like a brave soldier throughout the three years since he was diagnosed with Leukaemia. And while times definitely had also not been easy for me, I am proud to have fought by him in that battle, to be beside him throughout.

From the very beginning when the bombshell was dropped on to us, to the final goodbye, I was content to just have Dad by my side and thankful for each ‘extra’ moment of time allotted to his life. For those three years, life was difficult for every one of us - my Mom, younger sis, my husband, myself and even his brothers and sisters. Sacrifices were made and we were often struggling to swim against the currents of despair and hopelessness.

In the beginning, I was devastated. My whole world, previously a safe cocoon, was now falling apart. Right from the beginning, I believed that Leukaemia did not, and could not be cured. I cried every night before I went to bed, and every morning when I woke up. However, after a few long weeks, things started to calm down. Although the situation was already spinning out of my hands, I had to fall into the steps and directions the hospital gave. Watching tubes and needles inserted into him, hearing him cry out in pain whenever he had to go through the painful process of bone marrow aspirations - all these tore out my heart. But all I could do was to stand bravely in silence behind the curtains, in hope of soothing him with the knowledge that I was just beside him, and to greet him with the brightest smile I could muster when the ‘ordeal’ was over.

For a short while, I was in denial.
Hoping against hope, that maybe the diagnosis was a mistake.
Maybe he stepped on something ‘dirty’.
Maybe if I went to sleep now and wake up tomorrow, everything would have been just a bad dream.

But the reality is that the situation would never change. The diagnosis was as real and as correct as the fevers and diarrhoeas that took turns to wrack his body. The talisman water that he drank never made his illness disappear. And day after day I woke up, the ill sense of dread was always hanging in the air, and the nightmare never ended. And many days after that, life seemed like a roller coaster ride of emotions - of fear and sorrow and despair, all tumbling in my heart and mind. An immense amount of emotions where I kept fiercely guarded and locked up in my heart, emptying in tears only in the private confines of the toilet cubicle.

Before, Leukaemia was something distant and far away. Something that seemed to only happened to other people. It was only a sickness that I read about on magazines and in the papers. I never imagined it would strike so near home one day.

I remember that day distinctly when the Doctor announced the grim news to my Dad and I. I remember running to the toilet and locking myself in the cubicle, crying the whole afternoon away till my eyes were red and sore. I can only guess my Dad wept on his hospital bed - the bed that he would eventually spend almost half of his remaining days on. It must have been hours when I emerged from the toilet for the sky had already turned dark, as dark as my emotions swirling around in the bottomless pit of despair.

Gradually, reality was reluctantly allowed to sink back into my life. In acceptance, I turned to the Gods for help. Fervently, I visited temples and gave more generous donations praying that the Gods would help cure my Dad and allow him to safely live past this ‘hurdle’, even bargaining for a longer life span if his life was due, in exchange for a few years out of mine.

And for awhile, it seemed to work. For a few good months out of all his suffering, Dad seemed fine and healthy, although often looking pale and emaciated. The dreadful sickness had reduced him to a mere wisp of a shadow of his past. But as long as he was happy and not in any pain, so was I. No matter that by now, all my free time were dedicated to him and he was number One on my priority list. For those times, I was always by his side, accompanying him for checkups, bringing him out, even just sitting silently beside him at home, watching him watch tv. I took pleasure in the simple fact that every moment spent with him was every moment extra. And I cherished every precious second with him.

Temporarily, life seemed almost calm and predictable, and within my grasp of control.

However, in the midst of all the gloominess, there was to be an upcoming joyous occasion – My Wedding. While preparing for my wedding and worrying about the usual of tripping over my gowns and ruined make up etc, I was all the more worried about my Dad’s health and his condition. Thankfully, that day went along well. Dad wore a suit and tie, and Mom wore a cheongsam. My close friends later told me how Dad beamed on that day like a proud father that he was. I wished time could stand still on that special moment where everything and everyone was happy and healthy. To me, my wedding seemed to be the last happy occasion my family would experience together.

Time flew all too soon for a man who was to go sooner than expected. In the three years that I was caring for my Dad in all the ways that I could, I did not regret one single moment. If any of my sacrifices made him feel better in any way, I was grateful to be given the chance to ease his suffering. And I’d like to think that along the way I did something right. That I had somehow, touched the Gods to grace him another year with us.

Exactly one year after my Wedding day, Dad passed away.

Try as I might, I cannot forget the look his face had on when he was gasping for air and the vacuous expression his eyes had taken on, oblivious to all our callings and shouting out to him. Even though we knew that bringing him home against the Doctor’s wishes meant him dying at home, nothing could prepare us when that moment came.

Dad had wished us to bring him home where he could feel more comfortable and we respected his wishes. One day after we brought him home, a doctor and a nurse from the hospice came to check on him and counsel us, ‘teaching’ us to be calm and to expect what was happening, signs to spot in his last hours and how to position his hands when he finally died. However, nothing could prepare me for THE moment, where my saneness was pushed to the brink, hovering between instincts and instructions. I finally gave in to instincts, and dialled 911. The ambulance arrived shortly and brought him to the hospital where he gasped his final last breadth, and left us to the sound of the beeping flat line on the heart monitor.

It’s been a few months since his passing, and although I am slowly coming to terms with the loss of him, it doesn’t lessen the pain of the knowledge that he cannot be around me to share my joys and continue being a part of my life anymore. Time, although a wonderful healer, is also a very slow worker, mending the wound in my heart bit by bit, day by day.

Looking back, sometimes I wish I didn’t know Dad so much.
So that I wouldn’t love him so much.
So that I won’t hurt so much now.

But I know that I would have lost much more should I not have known him. I do not regret all that I have done and I am glad that I had done all I could to ease him. I hope that he would be proud of me as his daughter, just as I was proud to have him as my Dad.

At the same time, I know I should be thankful that Dad spent his last few months able- bodied and independent. That he could spend his last days going to places that he wanted to go, looking up old friends and doing things that he wanted to do. In the short time that was allotted to him, at least he had the chance to say his goodbyes in his own ways.

After Dad passed on, I poured out my frustrations and sadness in writings of him and of how I felt. It was a way for me to release the overwhelming emotions that I kept bottled up. In trying to act as the strong eldest daughter, I often had to act cheerful in front of my Dad when he was alive, and for my Mom and sister after the painful loss of a husband and father.

I was also very afraid that I would one day forget all about this man whom I had loved and cared so much for. In writing vividly about the moments with Dad, I hoped that I will be able to recapture the memories as vividly whenever I read back. For that few seconds, I can be transported back to the time when I still have Dad alive and with me. Many times when I miss him, I would read my articles over and over again, and I would remember Dad. His face, his toothless smile, the wrinkles around his eyes, his leathery skin and how it felt to hold his hand.

And I would weep and smile at the same time because it would remind me the bitter sweet experience we went through together, and I am comforted to know that at least during this lifetime, I had been given this affinity to be born to him, learn from him, and in his time of need, able to care for him. I am forever honoured to have him for my Dad.

Life before death may be a difficult journey, but Life after death is as equally a painful process of healing and acceptance.

I only hope that if there ever is a life after death, I wish him a life full of happiness and contentedness, without having to go through the pain and sorrow of his previous one.

 

 

S's Sports Day: Another day, another journey

"Mommy! You must come to my school!" My boy told me angrily. 

I was puzzled initially at his outburst because I didn't understand what he meant. After some probing, I realised that he was referring to his orientation campfire where some (ok, maybe most) of his classmate's parents attended. Since it was stated that parents were only 'encouraged' to attend, I didn't. And he must have felt left out. His reactive response was probably one week delayed since relating events was an issue S had always struggled with, but ok, I got it. The message was received loud and clear.

I drowned in guilt for a few days after that.

That was in January this year. I had then apologised and solemnly promised him that I would attend his next school function, which would be today, since there was a mini Olympics cum National Day Observerance going on. Again, stated in the newsletter that I received earlier, were that parents were 'warmly welcomed' to support the event. (A cue that otherwise meant to me as 'You MUST attend'.) So I dutifully applied for leave, and we trotted off to school early in the morning.

There were already a sea of parents present when we arrived, and we had to search for awhile within the mass of identically looking children seated in haphazard rows on the parade square, before spotting him. After some mad waving to get his attention, he finally spotted us and waved back excitedly. You could see the instant he spotted us by the way his eyes lit up, and I felt an instant pang of regret in my heart by denying him this simple happy moment the first time I had missed attending. 

There were some singing and cheering that followed, and some riotous organising of the children into their respective houses, before the games finally began. 

I watched him listen for the horn and take off, manoeuvring expertly between the cones, doing a series of hops on one foot, execute a flawless forward roll, and bounce deftly on the ball, before finally making the dash back to his team-mates. I watched with tears glistening in my eyes and pride swelling in my heart. I was just so proud of him and so proud of the moment I caught of him.

His team didn't get the gold medal in the end. They achieved bronze, but he was beaming with pride with his medal nevertheless.

Watching him giving off his best and enjoying the school activities, I marvel at the improvements he has made and how far he has progressed since the earlier days. I remembered the drooling child who didn't know how to play with other children. I remembered the countless o.t sessions we ferried him to during his pre-school days. I remembered how he was on the first day of school, when he was still so unsure and uncertain of everything. 

My boy with the developmental delays, who couldn't balance on one leg, had poor hand-eye coordination, and difficulty following simple instructions, had progressed so much and so far since then. And he made us very proud parents.

There is still a lot of room for improvements for him, and it will be a neverending process in trying to catch up with his peers. But when I look at the distance he has covered and the achievements he has made, I know that we will make the journey together, progressing little by little, in his own special way.

Till the next school function, and many more ahead. 
I promise.

加油, my Son.