Recently I came across a blog of someone very young. Of someone who was only 18. Youthful and radiant like the flower that she was, she had just begun blooming.
Reading through her posts brought me back to the times when I was about her age. The situations that she shared were so different, yet somehow I could easily relate to it. I remembered a long time ago, when all my worries were made of stuffs of BGR, self esteem, weight issues and self doubt.
Spending sleepless nights waiting by the phone wondering if 'he' was ever going to call back, frantically fretting about what to wear for the party WEEKS away, then worry about whether it was 'pretty' enough, worrying about the 1kg that I had put on mysteriously, (actually because I didn't practise self-restraint in snacking), being angry with the pimple that appeared overnight or simply just wondering if I was good enough.
Silly stuffs like these, you know? Yet these doubts filled my mind for more times than I'd care to admit.
As I grew older, more responsibilities were added. These worries somehow gradually faded away into the lower rungs of priorities. I had bigger problems to face then as I started out into working society. The despair of not finding a job for months after graduation ate away at me. And then after landing a job, I had to learn how to manage the boss's wife AND mistress!
Classes at school taught us how to do up powerpoints and presentations, how to manage difficult people, or put up simple marketing strategies. But at no point in time did classes teach about how we should manage the office while fits of temper were being thrown in the boss's office, or how to handle a phonecall from the wife who was demanding to know what the mistress was doing. Needless to say, I moved on from that crappy job soon after.
And then when things started to settle down, my dad got diagnosed with Leukemia. And life revolved around exorbitant chemotherapy costs, and morbid thoughts of how much more time we would still have him.
Now that I've set up a family unit, a different set of problems arise. Looking back, the 'problems' I faced during the teenage years that seemed SO BIG then, seems all too frivolous and trivial now. Yet at a time once, these problems seemed like they were unsurmountable obstacles.
But over the years, I climbed those 'mountains' didn't I? However, since it wasn't possible to stay forever at the peak, slowly I began sliding down the slopes of Middle-age. Looking back, the trade off for all the 'problems' faced then, was the magical world of Youth. While I certainly do not miss the days of self doubt, I do miss being young.
The times of being a SYT is something that is only reminisced after a certain age has been reached; usually when we fall far beyond the age bracket of the 20s. I have yet to know of any young ladies who appreciates the here and now of being young. I know I didn't, so I guess I kind of squandered away my youth.
As I aged a little everyday, I found myself gaining a sense of experience and self worth in return. As the years go by, I learned to grow more comfortable in my own skin. And the youth that was scattered little by little into the winds of Time slowly disappeared completely. And in its place, crows feet and wrinkles were formed.
But the point I'm trying to say isn't about me crying over lost youth. I will not deny that I miss being youthful. Of the carefree spirit of believing that I was invincible, that I could take on the world alone, where I could make instant decisions without a backward glance or a thought for the future, from the freedom of the current TONS of responsibilities I face now. Moving forward, I find that I like the current Me much better instead.
At middle-age, I've reached a certain stage in life where I have accumulated my fair share of experiences, good and bad. Where with all the various challenges placed onto my shoulders, I have also gained a level of maturity, mentality and confidence, growing comfortable in being who I have become. (Or maybe it's just that my skin grew thicker?)
As this confidence settles in, I no longer need to second guess everything, or worry about the opinions of others of me. I've also come to a stage where some things come on backwards. (Zits? Oh great! I'm still young!)
I guess all I'm trying to depict is the cycle of life. That no matter how big the problems seem then, years down the road now, we look back and laugh ourselves silly about it. (Okay. Maybe some were cringe-worthy but still, good memories!)
At different stages of life, we face different sets of troubles and worries. And I guess at each point in time, we all felt like they were huge mountains we couldn't climb. But we did. And we will.
So to anyone young reading this, remember, growing up isn't easy. Crossing that bridge from childhood to adulthood is a process of self-discovery and learning. These problems that you face will come to pass one day. And no matter how horrible or difficult the road may seem now, someday when you grow up into this confident adult, comfortable in every way that you've become, you'll look back and laugh at all these experiences too.
So hang tight, hold on and enjoy the journey. In time to come, you will scale over the mountains and then somehow find yourself descending down all too quickly into middle-age.
Where I am now.
And I like where I am being now. I believe you will too.
: )
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